Smile for the Camera
by FanfictionWriter83729
Summary: Movieverse. A crack story. It started out as psychological warfare in response to a distrustful Red Alert's innumerable and quite annoying cameras. Then it escalated.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Summary: **Oneshot. Movieverse. A crack story within a crack story. Our intrepid trio's reaction to a certain paranoid mech's borderline stalker issues. Humans: 1, Red Alert: 0.

**Acknowledgements: **Inspiration from TheMinttu's "A Large Coffee and a Lambo," in which Red Alert's all-seeing camera is ever trained on an annoyed Sam. Red Alert's paranoia and disdain about the human allies also comes from TheMinttu.

**Author notes: **I concur that Red Alert's paranoia, in general, _is _well-placed. However, this is a crack story. : )

* * *

Smile for the Camera

At first, Mikaela found it aggravating, Sam found it annoying, and Miles found it amusing. After a few weeks, they, along with all the other humans stationed at the Autobot base, found it downright insulting.

Lennox, who really was among the most mature of the human allies, had pointed out to them that humans _had _taken Bumblebee away and _had _tortured him, not to mention those poor sparklings that Sector Seven created and destroyed. Really, Lennox had said, they were lucky that any Autobots trusted them at all.

To which Mikaela had pointed out that Cybertronians hadbrought the war on Earth, and had tried to use Earth's machinery to take over the universe, and had killed humans. She pointed out that Red Alert lumping them together with Sector Seven was like Lennox lumping the Autobots together with the Decepticons.

To which they engaged in a semi-polite argument that ended with neither side winning or losing, and ended on good terms. Mikaela wasn't punished in anyway for insubordination to her "commanding officer," and in turn, Lennox didn't find his new entertainment system sabotaged in any way.

However, by the end of the second month, even Lennox was getting tired of the swivelling of cameras and Red Alert's distrustful and openly disdainful attitude. The attitude they could deal with—they laughed at Sunstreaker's, and openly laughed at Red Alert's. But the _cameras!_

The cameras were _everywhere. _In the rec room, in the training room, in the shooting grounds…They were barely a meter apart in the designed-for-human portion of the Autobot base. The only reason they weren't in the human bathrooms, Mikaela was sure, was because of Optimus' intervention.

Mikaela instinctively knew where cameras were. It was almost a sixth sense. The most obvious ones—one for a room and one for a stretch of corridor—weren't the only ones. Others were embedded in the walls, in objects, disguised in wallpaper and in pieces of furniture. Mikaela could see them all, or at the very least know their general location.

Sam instinctively knew how to read Mikaela. If she frowned slightly, it meant that there was one human-trained camera in the room. If clenched her fists, it meant that there were two cameras in the room. If she walked forcefully and swiftly, it meant that there were three cameras in the room. If she took out whatever electronic she happened to have with her and proceed to rip apart the wires and chips in an almost murderous frenzy, and _then_ proceed to put it back together again with the precision and careful movements of a surgeon, it meant that there were so many cameras in the room that she was seriously thinking about barging down the door to the security room and do some beautiful rewiring.

Miles was probably the last human to retain his good humour at this predicament. He smilingly waved to the easy-to-see cameras (no need to give away the advantage that Mikaela's interesting talent gave them) and even made faces at them once or twice. So, it was a surprise when Miles made the first move.

"Guys, I have a confession to make," Miles said one day as he, Sam, and Mikaela sat in the human rec room at the Autobot base.

"What is it, Miles?" Sam asked distractedly before taking a sip from his pop bottle. All three of them were quite aware and were quite annoyed at the five cameras in the room swivelling to focus on them.

"I have a crush on Prowl."

Sam sprayed his Pepsi all over the table at Miles' announcement. Mikaela, who had taken apart her CD player and was putting it back together with a pair of tweezers, nearly snapped the delicate piece that she was working on.

"_What?!_" they said as they simultaneously recovered from their shock.

Miles merely blinked at their reactions. "Why are you looking at me like that? His stoic nature, his commanding stature, his unfailing logic…it's just so _appealing, _y'know?" Miles said, looking off dreamily just to the right of "hidden" camera #2. "You don't think I'm weird, do you?" he asked in slight concern, looking once again at his friends.

There was a pause. They could almost hear the gears and wires of their watcher beginning to freeze.

"It's okay Miles," Sam said calmly as he wiped off the pop from the table. "I understand."

"You do?!" Mikaela asked. She looked at both of them like they were insane.

Miles caught Sam's calculating look, and knew that he had a fellow conspirator. _Don't pick Bumblebee, _Miles thought, hoping that somehow the words would float around in the air and somehow transmit to Sam. _It's too obvious. I bet half the base is romanticizing about Mikaela/Sam/Bumblebee. Heck, it's my OT3! You have to go for something large._

"Yes, of course I do," Sam said with a straight face. "Mikaela," he said, facing his girlfriend, "you know I love you, but you see, Miles' attraction to Prowl is similar to my attraction to Sunstreaker." He took a sip from his pop.

The mech in the security room was watching and listening to this, optics wide and with bad mental images flooding his processor. The image of Miles and Prowl having a candlelight dinner was immediately juxtaposed with Sam and Sunstreaker frolicking in the park. He tried desperately to purge both images.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sam asked innocently. "You two know better than anyone how I find the whole 'bad-boy' thing so appealing."

"Well you two are just weird," Mikaela said finally. Over in the security room, a mech was thinking: _Finally. A voice of reason. _ "At least _my _fantasies are plausible," she continued.

"Huh?" Sam and Miles asked. This was precisely the sentiment of the mech in the security room.

"Last night," she said, taking a strand of her hair and twirled it absent-mindedly, "I dreamt that I was on a date with Ratchet and Ironhide." She sighed then, and gave then giggled. "It was a great dream. What?" she asked, in response to their confounded/ astonished/ impressed faces. "I have a thing for older men."

Sam and Miles gave a quick glance, as if to say, _She wins._

"Well," Sam said, "as your boyfriend, I have to say that I'm crushed. But as your fellow unrequited lover, I have to say right on!"

Elsewhere, the unfortunate mech in the security room was thinking: _WHAT THE SCRAP IS THIS?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! Logic processors…freezing…but...I cannot tear my optics away! Noooooo!_"

The sound of Mikaela and Sam giving each other a hi-five was lost in the sound of a resounding crash that echoed through the Autobot base. It was the beautiful sound of someone's logic processors freezing. The teenagers looked at one another, each of them immediately feeling a weight being lifted off them.

"Did you hear something?"

"No, I didn't hear a thing."

"Me either."

They did the rest of their homework peacefully over the noise of tools being thrown and Ratchet's enraged yell of, "Who or what the slag did it this time?!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Author note: **Yes, this did get continued. I guess that Red Alert isn't going to go down without a bigger fight. Remember, dear readers, that whatever happens to him, he brought on himself.

Again, I acknowledge the well-placed nature of Red Alert's paranoia. I also again acknowledge that this is a crack story.

* * *

Smile for the Camera

In the next few days, Ratchet managed to fix Red Alert and 'breathed down his neck,' so to speak, since he managed to crash his logic processors three times in two days, and _especially _since he didn't give him a proper explanation for his crash in the first place. The mech couldn't be blamed, however.

He couldn't tell Ratchet that one of the reasons for his crash was that he envisioned Prowl and Miles having a midnight drive, and that another reason for his crash was the image of Sunstreaker and Sam going to the movies. He _definitely _was _not _going to tell Ratchet that the third reason for his crash was the image of the cranky medic, the trigger-happy weapons specialist, and a certain human female strolling along the beach against the backdrop of a romantic sunset.

In those next few days, Red Alert seemed to have learned his lesson. The cameras, though still present, were no longer swivelling to focus on the humans whenever they entered the room. The adult humans, even though they did not know about the teenagers' harmless little prank, felt some relief. Sam, Mikaela, and Miles were downright triumphant.

However, once Red Alert managed to get Ratchet off his case, the number of cameras grew exponentially. In the training room and shooting grounds, the camera numbers merely doubled. In the rec room and in the other areas of the Autobot base where Sam, Mikaela, and Miles frequented _without _Autobot supervision, the number of cameras quadrupled.

The teenagers correctly guessed that the little play they put on didn't do much to endear them to the obnoxious Security Director.

Too bad. So Red Alert wanted a show, did he? They were more than willing to comply.

So it came to pass that Red Alert learned more than he ever wanted to about the human younglings' love lives.

Sam was the most fickle; besides Sunstreaker, who seemed to be the most prevalent in Sam's strange and rather scary thoughts, Red Alert heard him profess attractions to Arcee, Bluestreak, First Aid, Blaster, Jazz, Sideswipe, Skyfire and—of all mechs!—_Starscream,_ all within a span of two hours. That last passing comment was cause for _great _concern. The Autobots had a Decepticon sympathizer in their midst!

Oh, Optimus would never believe him, not even with the tangible proof of twenty video recordings. Their great yet trusting leader would just call it a harmless human quirk. All Red Alert could do was to keep a closer eye on the boy. He made a mental note to place more cameras in the rec room.

Strange that the boy hadn't mentioned Bumblebee, though. Perhaps all those rumours about Mikaela/Sam/Bumblebee had no merit.

Mikaela was less fickle, though no less vocal, about her attractions not only to Ratchet and Ironhide, but also to Optimus Prime. Further, what she lacked in quantity in comparison to Sam's attractions, she made up for in quality, detailing to her companions—and, in extension, to Red Alert—what her dream 'dates' would be with all three of the mechs at the same time. "Honestly," she told her companions, "those three would be the greatest and most attractive cradle robbers in the history of the universe."

What in Cybertron was a cradle robber? Red Alert was honestly frightened to find out.

Miles was quite adamant about his affection for Prowl, and scoffed at his companions for not being able to 'choose.' However, while Red Alert was fairly—and hopefully!—certain that Mikaela and Sam were content with letting their crushes live only in their fantasies, he was certain that Miles was serious about asking Prowl out for an evening.

Red Alert had crashed so many times in the past week that a slight glance over to the rec room security cameras was enough cause a dull throb in the core of his logic processors. However, the limits of his logic processors were put to the test when confronted with the teenagers' next course of action.

"And I shall tell you of my undying devotion…through _interpretive dance!_"

What the slag was going on?!" Red Alert almost shuddered away from his viewing screens. He could feel his logic processors beginning to—

"We understand the depths of your unrequited love!" Mikaela proclaimed after a few minutes of attention to this bizarre and disturbing display. "We, too, feel your pain!"

And with that, Sam and Mikaela jumped on the tables and burst into song.

Red Alert couldn't take this anymore. He rushed out of the security room, leaning against the wall of the corridor just outside, and moaning as he rubbed his poor, poor logic processors.

"Red? You okay?"

Red Alert reluctantly opened his optics. "Jazz," he said in Cybertronian, and in quiet relief. He missed how Jazz and his human companion exchanged a questioning glance. "Just the mech I needed to see. Come, I require an explanation from you."

Glen huffed as the large door to the security room closed, with Jazz's awkward, rueful smile as the only apology. Damn that Red. Not only did he speak only Cybertronian around them (he didn't speak _to _the humans at all, except to drop some statement of contempt)—and talk about rude!—but he let no human into his security room. That ass.

However, before the doors closed, Glen couldn't help but notice how one whole wall of Red Alert's viewing screens seemed to be devoted to watching—

Glen's eyes widened. Then he turned around, with the intention of finding Bumblebee, all the while thinking, _I did not see that I did not see that It didn't happen I did not see that I did not see that It didn't happen._

Jazz watched the screens for five minutes. Miles was still doing his weird dance, and Sam and Mikaela seemed to be woefully singing "When There Was Me and You," from a movie that Jazz recollected as being called "High School Musical."

"Well…to tell ya the truth…"

"Yes?"

"I've absolutely no clue what they're doin,' Red."

"What do you mean, 'you have no clue?' You're the cultural expert!"

"Look, Red. Maybe we can just, oh, I dunno, _ask?_"

Red Alert made a disbelieving noise. "And have them feed us a bunch of lies?"

Jazz only shook his head.

Meanwhile, a rather agitated Glen was telling a confused Bumblebee what he had briefly seen in Red Alert's security room. "Look, Bumblebee, I know he's your comrade and all, but lines have _got to _be drawn, man! You guys may think that it's normal, but for humans, obsession with people who are significantly younger than you is just plain disturbing! I mean, if it were people who were actually old enough, then we'd be callin' it cradle robbery, maybe, but Sam, Mikaela, and Miles aren't even legal! Red's kinda makin' himself out to be a _pedo_—"

"Bumblebee!" a voice said in Cybertronian.

"Yes, sir?" Bumblebee answered in English.

"Ack! Red!" Glen said in panic. "No, we were _not _talking about you and your Wall of Questionable Content! We weren't! Right, 'Bee?"

"Of course not," Bumblebee supplied politely, if not somewhat confusedly.

Glen gave a weak, uncertain laugh. "Well, I'll be seein' you later." Glen gave Bumblebee's leg a swift pat before running in the opposite direction.

_Hmm…_Red Alert thought. _Another human to be wary of._

"Bumblebee," he continued. "May I ask you a few questions about the human young?"

"You mean Sam, Mikaela, and Miles?" Bumblebee asked, using their names pointedly.

"Never mind," Red Alert said, walking off, deciding that he couldn't talk to Bumblebee about it after all. The scout's obvious affection for the three humans in question severely compromised him.

Bumblebee just shook his head, and continued down the corridor. The scout wondered what Glen was about to say before Red Alert interrupted him. He went on a quick internet search. Hmm…ah, there it was. It seemed as though Glen was implying that Red Alert was exhibiting signs of being a pedo—

Red Alert did _not _have a strange and criminal desire for human young! He did not! Bumblebee was horrified that Glen would bring up such a subject!

…Images of the Wall of Devotion went on to plague Bumblebee's recharge.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

* * *

Smile for the Camera

Bumblebee, at a loss of what to do, accidentally slipped the name of Red Alert to Sam, Mikaela, and Miles the next day as he drove them to the Autobot base.

Their reactions were horrifying and unexpected.

"Red Alert!" Mikaela said exasperatedly. "I swear, that crazy mech just won't leave us alone! We're just minding our own business. What's he expecting us to do?"

"I guess we should be _flattered, _or something, though," Sam said tightly. "Since he thinks we're worth that much attention. Doesn't he have better things to do? Like, I dunno, making sure that Lazerbeak doesn't get in through the vents a fiftieth time?"

"But noooooo," Miles joined in, in a rare bitter tone, "his all-seeing optics are always trained on us."

"But we're actually planning something--Bumblebee?" Sam asked. But Bumblebee was already very reluctantly leaving them at the entrance of the Autobot base, horrified and speechless. Unfortunately for his peace of mind, he just missed out on Sam telling him all about their little trick on Red Alert.

He stopped by at Glen and Maggie's workstation.

"What's wrong?" Maggie asked, looking into Bumblebee's optics. Bumblebee was still talking to himself in Cybertronian.

"We're worried that Red Alert is obsessed with Sam, Mikaela, and Miles," Glen answered.

Maggie paused, looked hard and Bumblebee and at Glen. "_What?_ Is this a joke?"

"No! Nothing like that! He's…he's _watching _them. Constantly. Look, girl, I saw a whole Wall of Freakin' Devotion in his security room! I tell you, that's why he keeps everyone out!"

Maggie still looked like this was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. But she looked up at Bumblebee concernedly. "Are you alright, Bumblebee?"

"They said," Bumblebee said faintly and desolately, "that Red Alert was always watching them and never left them alone and that…that they were _flattered._"

**X x **X

In Mr. Banes' car body shop, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were bored. Neither twin knew exactly how they were coerced into it, but Bumblebee managed to talk them into watching over Mikaela until Bluestreak came back from his mission. They had understood his concern—even the 'bots that hadn't reached Earth yet knew of Mikaela/Sam/Bumblebee—but in their opinion, watching paint dry was far more entertaining than watching the humans.

In their boredom, they had pestered her with questions, asked her where certain tools were, and had taken the liberty of using her best car wax. They had also just slightly bullied Sam and Miles into fetching a few things for them. Yes, humans were boring, but irritating them was always a bit of fun.

Mikaela suddenly stood up, and grabbed the human boy beside her. Fixing them with a downright pleasant look, she told them cheerfully, "Just in case you want us, Sam and I are going to make out in the backseat of a convenient car." As she dragged her quite willing companion, she gave them a careless backward glance and added, "So, in case you want us, then tough. We're busy."

There was a pause.

"…Okay," Sideswipe said finally.

There was another pause, in which Miles calmly got up from his seat and started going towards the car.

"Where are you going?" Sideswipe asked, not really caring but asking for the sake of asking.

"To climb into the front seat of the convenient car to watch them," Miles said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I can't believe that Bumblebee actually cares for those things," Sunstreaker said as all three humans climbed into the seat of their victim.

"Want to get out of here?" Sideswipe asked his twin.

"Let's."

"Are they gone?" Miles asked.

"Just wait…wait…yeah, they're gone," Sam announced.

"Nothing gets rid of an Autobot faster than the old 'we're gonna make out, so unless you wanna watch, we suggest you leave' routine," Mikaela said triumphantly.

"Remind me to thank the Lennoxes for teaching us that," Sam said.

Mikaela leaned back in her seat, and gave a satisfied sigh. Yes, the twins were the Autobots' top pranksters, but even Miles was fed up with them by the first week. Our intrepid trio had absolutely no intention of letting them into their little trick—knowing the twins, they would just blow things totally out of proportion, and leave Sam, Mikaela, and Miles to take full blame.

"So now that we've gotten rid of our dynamic duo, what now?" Miles asked, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Red Alert is bound to catch on unless we change something… even _he _would start wondering why we're confessing all our deep and twisted desires right in front of a camera. He might even catch on that we're doing it to crash him!"

So they came up with a plan.

**X x X**

He couldn't trust anyone. Not Prowl, not Ratchet, not Jazz, not even Optimus. His comrades were so…so _fooled_. All that any of the humans would need to do was to bat some eyelids and any of the Autobots would be at their mercy. Red Alert thanked the fates that he was immune to whatever enchantment the humans cast over others' processors.

They were Decepticon supporters, all three of them. He'd seen bits and pieces of it behind the giggling and the teasing. He saw it when Sam professed attraction to Starscream and Barricade, when Mikaela claimed that Frenzy and Rumble were 'vicious little bastards' in high pitched girlish glee, and when Miles announced that Soundwave and Prowl were the Mr. Darcies of the Cybertron world. The humans were dangerous.

Red Alert had yet to gauge exactly how dangerous though. Were they active Decepticon spies? He was sure that they were. But he needed proof, or else Optimus would order him on vacation leave or something equally terrible and compromising to the Autobot cause. Also, without solid evidence, Bumblebee would probably tear the metal from his wires if he even so much as pointed a relatively harmless stunner at the humans.

He would have to do this himself.

Red Alert, though he went to his office mentally kicking and screaming, forced himself to watch the three human psycho-borderline-stalkers for a full week. Every day, he would unfortunately learn of some new love life (Sam), of some new fetish (Mikaela), or of some new thing about Prowl that he'd really rather not know about (Miles).

Then one day…one day…they just stopped.

One of them would inevitably burst out with the "Hey guys, I have something to tell you," that made Red Alert's logic processors wince and scream and beg for his creator. But then they'd stop, and collectively gave a quick glance to the camera in the corner before continuing their conference in hushed tones.

Red Alert spent a whole afternoon in agony, anxiously pacing his security room as the three humans talked in a small cluster. The only distinct sounds he could hear was the high-pitched giggling coming from all three.

What should he do? They had, by now, registered the fact that he was watching them. Perhaps they were even insightful enough to realize that he was watching them particularly closely.

Then, he got it. _I must lure them into a false sense of security._

So, when the humans went out with Bumblebee, he removed the visible camera in the room, and compensated with ten invisible ones.

Now all he had to do was wait; wait for the little spies to trip up and openly confess their Decepticon affiliation.

All was going according to plan.

**X x X**

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were planning to hide from Prowl in the human rec room of the Autobot base, since that was closest and since that was the only place—besides the bathrooms and the closets—that was free of Red Alert's cameras. However, they stopped short of the entrance when they heard the words,

"Hey guys," they heard Mikaela say tearfully, "I have something to tell you. I told you of my crush on Optimus, Ironhide and Ratchet—"

WHAT? A crush? On Optimus, Ironhide, and RATCHET-THE-HATCHET?! Bumblebee was _so _not going to like this.

They pressed against the side of the entrance, powerless against such information. They needed to hear more.

Suddenly, Prowl was beside them. "There you—" They ambushed Prowl, pinning him to the wall. "What are you doing?" the second-in-command demanded.

They hushed him, and the look on their faces of pure fear and horror and…yet…also a twisted fascination told him that this was no mere prank. Mikaela's voice drifted over, saying, "I'm sorry, my lovely cradle robbers, but I have burned my pictures of you!"

"Mikaela—" they heard Sam's voice say in concern.

"Yes, you guys. This is the truth. I realize now that Optimus, Ironhide, and Ratchet are but childish dreams. I now know who my true love is! Sideswipe, why don't you ever notice me?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Editing done on 20/10/09**

* * *

Smile for the Camera

There was one earth-shattering crash. Sam, Mikaela, and Miles smirked inwardly. Now to give Red Alert something to think about when he eventually woke up.

"I realize now that I was fantasizing about being with Optimus, Ironhide, and Ratchet because I lacked a father figure in my developing years," Mikaela continued. They loved putting typical "human-problem" explanations in their act; Red Alert totally lapped it up. "But now that I have my dad back…now I know that that was what they always were to me. But Sideswipe… Sideswipe is different. He's funny, and sweet, and…and I really want him to just _look _at me. And, maybe…" she said, putting on a very melodramatic expression, "maybe he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"But, Mikaela," Sam said, sounding choked. To any outsiders, the boy sounded choked with sadness. After all, it did appear as though he just got unceremoniously dumped. However, our intrepid trio knew that he was choking back his laughter. Miles' look of surprise and mortification was also covering up his amusement. "But, but what about _us?_" he continued, sounding heartbroken.

Mikaela reached across the table and took his hands in hers. "You knew that we were over a long time ago," she told him, searching into his eyes. It was lucky that Sam was facing one of the cameras that Red Alert didn't look into as much; Mikaela was a much better actor. "We've been a façade for a long time now. Don't you think that'll be better for us if we stopped pretending?"

Sam regarded her for a moment. "Yes," he said finally, nodding. "It would be better for everyone if we just admitted the truth." Then he raised his eyebrows. "But you know…with Sideswipe, the only way that any relationship is going to end with him is in a shotgun wedding."

"And you're complaining?" she said, sounding surprised. "When you know that Sunstreaker will have to be the best man."

Sam tilted his head, as though picturing it. The mental image threatened to bowl him over in laughter, but he kept his composure. "Fine, I'll help you," he said decisively.

Someone outside the rec room door just dropped his fallen brother in shock. Our intrepid trio didn't notice a thing.

"Sam?" Miles said, raising his eyebrows. "Don't tell me—"

"Well, you know how you said we were fickle, Miles?" Sam asked, facing his friend. "I was only throwing names around because I was insecure."

"Really?" both his friends said, shocked.

"Well, no," Sam amended. "I really do think that Jazz is hot and that Bluestreak's aft is freakishly _fine, _but that's beyond the point. The thing is, I'd really like to go on a date with Sunstreaker."

There was another earth-shattering crash. They assumed that it was Red Alert, who, having gotten up in a shaky recovery, promptly crashed again at Sam's 'confession.'

"Well, I'm glad that you two have finally decided to settle down," Miles said delicately. "But I really don't think that—"

"And Prowl will be holding the shotgun at the wedding," Sam said tantalizingly.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Miles said, getting up decisively. "Let's get these two lovebirds together! The only thing more attractive and heart-stopping than Prowl in a suit is Prowl in a suit _and _with a weapon!"

There was a third earth-shattering crash.

Huh.

Red Alert just didn't know when to stay down.

**X x X**

Our three unfortunate eavesdroppers picked themselves up, and moved away quickly before any of the three insane humans found out that they were there.

All three of them entered into an Autobot base closet—one of the only places in the Autobot base devoid of Red Alert's cameras. They did not want Red Alert to know what they no knew—besides wanting to stop any gossip spreading, the nature of the information was enough for even the twins to pity Red Alert's logic processors.

"What the Pit was that about?" Sunstreaker hissed.

"Look, brother, the only thing I know right now is that Bumblebee is going to kill us. We are dead mechs walking," Sideswipe said, throwing his hands up in the air.

Then they looked at the third party, and were surprised. Prowl merely looked lost in thought, but he did not have an expression of pain or surprise.

"Prowl," Sideswipe said. "You're okay."

"You haven't crashed," Sunstreaker said, slightly awed.

"Certainly not," Prowl said, looking at the twins. "Why should I have?"

"Well," Sideswipe said. "That thing in the human rec room was the loopiest thing I heard since Optimus/Megatron…Do you know that there's still mechs out there who ship that? Weird…"

"Focus here, 'Sides," Sunstreaker muttered. "What do you mean by that, Prowl? This makes no sense whatsoever."

"No, it makes perfect sense," Prowl said mildly.

"Enlighten us."

"Well, Samuel and Mikaela are simply confused," Prowl said. "We must remember that, at the beginning of things, Bumblebee was merely a friend to Sam and Mikaela. The changing dynamic of their relationship must have finally come to their full attention and now, they are unsure of where they stand with Bumblebee and with each other."

"Okay," Sideswipe said.

"So the feeble-minded squishies get confused and oh-woe-is-me what-the-Pit-do-I-do-now and decide to break it off because it's new to them," Sunstreaker said. "So why did they drag us into it?"

"Well, because they still love Bumblebee and each other," Prowl answered. "And, since they broke it off, they naturally and instinctively try to fill the void. Mikaela chose Sideswipe because he is similar to Bumblebee in age, humour, and disposition and Sam chose you because you are superficially similar to Bumblebee."

"So I was chosen based on looks?"

"Yes."

"I can live with that."

"So why did Miles choose you?" Sideswipe asked.

"Perhaps seeing such a strong relationship get broken up made Miles a little insecure," Prowl said. "Threesomes like that of Mikaela/Sam/Bumblebee are quite exceptional, given the age of all those involved. Seeing such a thing broken up must have shaken him. He is looking for something stable and sure to hold onto."

"I guess it all makes sense…if you put it that way," Sideswipe said reluctantly.

"Of course it does," Prowl said flatly. "My logic is undeniable."

"Okay, Sherlock, so what do we do now?" Sunstreaker asked. "'Cuz I swear that if I have to get married to that squishy, I _will _make you wear something pink and frilly."

"Does that mean you accept his offer of union?" Prowl asked, surprised.

"No! That's not--! Whatever! Just answer the glitching question!"

"Well, it is obvious to me that their affections do not hold much merit," Prowl said. "Unless one or both of you have made advances towards Sam and Mikaela?"

The twins scoffed.

"I thought not," Prowl mused. "In that case, they are merely infatuated with ideas of who we are."

"So…? Get to the point here, Prowl," Sideswipe demanded.

"We must pretend to be who we are not, in order to invalidate their ideas and to stop the infatuation. Which means that Sideswipe, you must act in a more mature and rational manner, and Sunstreaker, you must be more pleasant in your countenance. And I...I suppose that I must act in less sensible and dignified."

"So I have to act like there's a stick up my aft—"

"And I have to be _nice?_"

"Yes. Unless you two have another idea?"

"I got nuttin,'" Sideswipe said reluctantly.

"Neither do I," Sunstreaker muttered even more reluctantly. Human insanity just wasn't his forte—not that he was going to admit that. "But what if this all backfires? What if they like us _more?_"

"To prevent such a disaster, we must watch them," Prowl proposed. "Watch them carefully, and if we find that they are still mistakenly attracted to us, we must change tactics."

With that plan in mind, they exited the closet.

Together.

**X x X**

Red Alert went for a quick walk, to try and purge his processors before submitting himself to more cruel and unusual torture.

Matrix forbid, the humans were actually getting ready to do something! The twins were one of the Autobots' best fighters, and Prowl was the second-in-command! Once those traitorous humans got into their processors, **who knew what could happen?!**

Red Alert had to stop it.

He passed by a corridor, and then doubled back, his optics wide.

Did he just see--?

No, no it was impossible. If there was a Sideswipe/Sunstreaker/Prowl, he would know about it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Author note: **Wow! Finally, an update! Thanks for your interest in this cracky little fic ; )

* * *

Smile for the Camera

**5**

"_We should have seen this coming," _Sideswipe radioed to his brother through a private, Red Alert-and-Prowl proof channel. _"I mean, look at us. These humans probably never beheld such good-looking mechs."_

"_I know," _Sunstreaker radioed back bitterly. _"It's a curse, I swear. And what the Pit are we doing here anyway? Shouldn't we be trying to get __**as far away**__ from these organic psychopaths as possible?"_

"_Sunny, Sunny,"_ Sideswipe said, shaking his head and patronizingly patting his brother's shoulder. Sunstreaker's scowl, if possible, deepened. _"Don't you remember all that stuff that we looked up on the Internet with Prowl yesterday?"_

"_There was a lot of human junk we saw. Which ones are you talking about?"_

"_The ones that said that kids like Sam and Mikaela and Miles enjoy chasing after those who are hard-to-get. Ergo, as Prowl suggested, if we do the __**opposite**__—"_

"_And if Prowl's idea is so good, why ain't he here?"_

"_Got caught by Miles outside. I guess we'll figure out how he did later."_

"_If he crashes and the Hatchet gets on our tailpipes, I'm blaming you. You're the one who told him to giggle like a loony every time Miles says the word 'happy.'"_

"_Well __**you're **__the one who suggested that he start talking to Miles using __**rap lyrics.**__"_

Sunstreaker was about to retort, but then he heard faint laughter, then voices. _"Mute it," _he said._ "They're here!"_

"_Now, remember Sunny," _Sideswipe radioed, smirking inwardly when Sunstreaker fought back the instinctive urge to glare at him. _"Act nice in front of the humans." _

They turned to face the door. Sideswipe leaned casually against the table of the room, a pleasant expression plastered on his face. Sunstreaker slouched, and grumbled about "crazy organic admirers," but stopped when Sideswipe, not dropping his smile, took a fist to his shoulder. Sunstreaker straightened up, and was about to return his brother the favour—but too late.

They were coming.

**X x x**

Mikaela and Sam wandered into the common room, muttering about their latest story. "No, Mikaela," Sam was saying in response to Mikaela's suggestion to a certain act that they could 'fantasize' about. "Red Alert may be jerk, but even I have standards." A little louder, he said. "You know what, Mikaela? We should totally ask our respective Autobots of affection out for a double date—"

Sam suddenly stopped short, causing Mikaela to bump into him from behind.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were in the room.

They were looking at them.

"Oh, fuck, I hope they didn't hear me," Sam said, closing his eyes and wincing inwardly."Damn, what are they doing here? This will totally ruin—" Mikaela looked, and stared. She composed herself quickly, however, and ushered Sam forward. "What are you doing?"

"Cameras. They're our targets of affection, right? We can't hesitate too long."

"Wait, what?" Sam hissed back, incredulous. "But, Mikaela, don't you think that now's a bad time, what with Sunstreaker and Sideswipe _right here?_"

"There's no way that we're losing because of such a small problem."

"And how are you two doing today?" Sideswipe asked, interrupting their hissed conversation. He was leaning casually against the wall, doing the Cybertronian equivalent of smiling.

"Doing fine, thanks," Mikaela said, sending a radiant grin back. Sam had the sense of mind to give a wan smile, at least, upon this reassurance that neither twin had heard his little proclamation. Mikaela's smile not fading a jot, she added, "Especially since you're here."

"So what are you doing here, anyways?" Sam asked as casually as possible.

"Nothing in particular," Sideswipe said. "Nope, nothing to do with anything particular at all."

"Well, that's good, because we weren't thinking of doing anything in particular either," Sam said.

"Nothing at all." Mikaela said.

"Really? That's great. We totally have something in common. The something, of course, being nothing."

"I like nothing."

"Me, too."

There was a very long pause.

"Well, it was great to see you guys again," Sunstreaker said suddenly. "Have a good one. See ya." Sideswipe winked, and with that, the twins were gone, leaving Sam and Mikaela completely baffled.

Slowly, Sam turned to Mikaela, still slack-jawed. "Mikaela? What the hell just—" Mikaela quickly grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around. "What? What?"

"Adjusting the angle so our faces are hidden by the camera," she hissed back. "Quick, pretend to be giggling in glee, or something."

"What?"

"Red Alert, remember?"

"Oh. Right." Faking an ecstatic grin, he gave a quick glance to the camera before turning back around. "What the hell was that about? And why did you say 'Especially since you're here?'" What if he thinks that—"

"He won't," Mikaela said firmly. "That was just in case Red Alert was listening and/or reading my lips. Sideswipe won't remember that I even said it."

"If you say so…But they never come here unless they want something! And what was with Sideswipe? He didn't try to talk us into anything at all! And, hell, did you see Sunstreaker's face? That was the strangest, most grotesque expression I've ever seen in my life."

"I know," Mikaela said, valiantly trying to suppress a shudder as she remembered the look on Sunstreaker's face. "It doesn't bode well. That, and the fact that they…asked us how they were doing. Really? _That's _all they came here for? And the whole—the whole winking from Sideswipe? What was this all about?"

"I don't know," Sam said. "But…but I sense a great disturbance in my being, as if a million voices are shouting, 'Oh fuck why are the twins talking to us and being nice this can't be good.'"

"Star Wars? Really?"

"Hey, you know movies are more applicable to our everyday lives than normal logic."

Mikaela sighed, her palm meeting her face. "As much as I hate to hop aboard your train of insanity, I have to agree with those voices, Sam."

**X x x**

"Wow, Sunstreaker," Sideswipe said, as soon as the twins were once again in the safety of one of the base's closets. "I've never seen you smile so long before. It looked like it hurt."

"Mute it."

Their conversation was cut short when the closet door opened, and they were joined by a third member. "Hey, Prowl," Sideswipe said. "How'd it go?"

"I was not with Miles long enough to gauge whether or not his affections have sufficiently been undermined," Prowl answered. "And you?"

"Not sure."

"Well, they didn't reject us," Sunstreaker said. "In fact, they were pretty much flattered by our presence. Their persistent affection is really annoying."

"Perhaps we should do more research," Prowl mused. "There does seem to be many articles geared towards helping humans figuring out whether or not their current mate is suitable. Perhaps the humans' Internet may be of more assistance…"

**X x X**

Red Alert had made a very risky decision. He had asked a human only casually acquainted with the traitors for information on the humans' local judicial system. If his suspicions were correct, they could be tried in an adult court. She didn't seem that high of a risk, and so far he had seen no Decepticon inclinations from her. But now he had to keep an optic on her, just in case she was also a traitor who would alert the others of his suspicions.

He would have asked another Autobot for the information, except that they would demand a reason from him, and he couldn't tell them _that _until he had concrete proof. Besides, they would have dismissed his vigilance and would have risen to the defence of their 'friends.'

He would have searched himself, had not his first and last sojourn through Internet-land ended with a two day trip to recharge-ville via the train of logic processors completely freezing.

Strangely, Prowl had handled the insanity that was the World Wide Web fairly well. Perhaps millennia of working with the twins had hardened him to such things—alternatively, the time with lunatics had broken him beyond all measure. Red Alert couldn't decide which.

He was waiting for the information, when, on one of the outdoor cameras, he saw Prowl approaching one of the three humans.

He half-rose in his seat, intending to save Prowl, when he saw Sunstreaker and Sideswipe go in the room that the other two treacherous humans frequented. But before he could go over _there_ and pull them out, the two said humans walked into the room.

Caught between these two catastrophes, he watched as Prowl talked warmly, animatedly, _intimately…_

…As Sideswipe activated his flirtatious mode…

And Sunstreaker…was he actually _smiling?_

Oh no. They were falling for it. His poor, trusting, unsuspecting comrades, easily manipulated by these humanly wiles, playing right into the trap of Decepticon-sympathizing seducers.

He had to stop it.

Red Alert rushed out…but he did not notice that, in his haste, he had left the door not only unlocked, but also opened a tiny, human-sized crack…

**X x x**

Maggie walked towards Red Alert's office, the requested information held in one of her hands, her other hand gently massaging her ear.

She could still hear a ringing sound after Glen had yelled in her ear, "Don't you see! The dude's a sick, sick mech!"

She didn't understand what Glen was panicking about. In her opinion, he was just making Bumblebee have an emotional breakdown for no reason. Sure, Red Alert wasn't the most pleasant of the Autobots, but his behaviour, though rude, was not in any other way inappropriate, and there was no evidence of Glen's claim other than his hyperactive imagination, and furthermore—

Her eyes widened as she saw Red Alert's door slightly ajar. Quietly, she slipped inside, and was immediately greeted by none other than the Wall of Devotion.

She gaped, and the folder dropped from her limp hands.

_Glen was right, _she thought numbly, looking at the viewing screens. _Red Alert really __**is**__—_

**X x X**

Bumblebee approached Maggie and Glen tentatively, who seemed to be arguing and agreeing at the same time.

"He had an entire wall—" Maggie was saying.

"I know," Glen said.

"But that, that's just—"

"I know."

"This isn't right!"

"I told you so!"

"May I ask a question?" Bumblebee interrupted.

"Yeah, sure, what?" Glen said, quickly composing himself.

"It's just that…" Bumblebee said, sounding completely puzzled. "Lately, I've noticed Prowl and Sunstreaker and Sideswipe have been getting really close to Miles, Sam and Mikaela."

"Oh, what, you mean emotionally close?" Maggie asked. "Oh, Bumblebee, you don't need to worry."

"Yeah. You know that you'll always be first in Sam and Mikaela's hearts," Glen said.

"Oh no, I didn't mean that," Bumblebee said. "Just that they've been following them around really, really closely. For example, if they were walking in the park, Prowl and the twins would be behind a tree or something, just looking at them. That kind of close. But, Glen, what did you mean by—"

"Wait, what?" Maggie demanded. "You mean _stalking _them kind of close?" Glen was quickly losing his composure again.

"Is 'stalking' bad?" Bumblebee asked, completely confused now.

"Bumblebee," Glen said, trying to keep it together. "Look up the definition of stalker."

There was a pause as Bumblebee did so. He became briefly confused as to why Red Alert's designation and Prowl and the twins' designation differed. But then he realized that that didn't matter—what mattered was that four of his comrades were sick, sick beings holding dark, twisted desires towards his friends.

_Oh, frag, no. Just no._

Then, for a highly advanced alien robot lacking the physiology to perform such an action, Bumblebee did a great impression of bursting into horrified tears.


End file.
